Betwixt and Between

I had the opportunity to serve Miki’s son in his initiatory rite of passage. I have known Miki for many years and I have some experience of holding groups and ritual spaces so he asked me to support his son and hold the ceremonial aspect of his son’s journey. The boy was to go out into the woods for two nights with some elder, trusted men as his guides. I was to bless him on his journey along with his family and friends, send him off into the ritual and then to welcome him back into the fold when he was complete.

It seemed like a simple request and very much in line with my own passion and calling so of course I said yes. I said yes without really knowing the what, the why and the how of the unfolding.

The journey both internal and external happened after the yes. There was quite a process involved. I knew the boy, of course, but my relationship was mostly with his parents rather than directly with him. I felt unqualified and uncertain about how I could best serve him. Was he a child or an adult? What kind of ceremony would  he have the capacity to meet? What is an initiation anyway in our modern society? Knowing that uncertainty and pushing up against the unknown was the ‘right feeling’ I allowed the questions to remain unanswered but to do their work.

My greatest concern, and one which awoke a surprising amount of feeling, was that this whole ritual was about Miki and his ideas and that the father’s wishes were not actually about what his son himself would want. I remember confronting Miki about this, addressing issues such as the ritual simply increasing the pressure on his son to ‘be something’ to ‘become a Man’ whatever that means.

I felt there was a terrible and real risk that our well meant attempt to offer something of value would backfire into him trying to prove something to his dad and losing both the childlike innocence of being exactly as he is, and the gentle transition into becoming a man in his own right. I was afraid he would put on a mask not of his own making.

Despite my misgivings, and with good counsel and conversations with Miki, I kept my commitment to the ceremony in the trust that work done with good intention and in alignment with love would only be of service. How glad I am that I was able to hold that perspective as there was great joy in how the ceremony revealed itself and how his son was able to receive this blessing.

My work was simple, to gather the circle, to build the fire and to send the boy off with his mentors and guides. It was simple and poignant to stand with him. To see his excitement and willingness before the unknown. To see how brave and how young he was.

My doubts disappeared. There was goodness here. Simple, timeless and elemental. I felt the ache, pride and fear of his parents and family. How they wished the best for him, how in the moment of his leaving they were unsure how to let go, how they did not know who would come back to them, how he would be changed and if they were doing a good thing for the boy they knew and loved. The circle holds it all as it always does, our humanity and our hope, our trust and our fear. The goodness was palpable. We blessed him with smoke and love and sent him on his way. He hoisted his pack and didn’t look back.

The waiting while he was gone was a part of the ritual, especially for his parents. Time for all doubts to surface, time to reflect on the transition he was going through, time for grief at the loss of a child and time for joy at the return of a young man. I held him in my awareness and trusted his companions.

Awaiting his return we gathered the circle again, friends and family to welcome him back into his life. Ritual is time out of time and part of its gift is to see again the life that we lead with new eyes. I built the prayer fire and the raven called.

At the very moment we lit the fire and finished our prayers of gratitude he appeared on the path. My strongest memory was his happiness. He looked tired, smelled of smoke and forest but his face was wreathed in smiles.

We had built a simple throne for him to return to and we called him back into the safety and love of his family, opening the space for him to tell us his tales. I spoke of his bravery and his possibility and most importantly spoke to his uniqueness and perfection as he was. That there was no need to become anything or anyone, no need to suddenly ‘try’ to be a man or his idea of a man. He was complete and becoming without contradiction.

As I looked at him through the flames in his young man’s body with everything that goes with that, I clearly and deeply felt how ancient that moment was. That this was right and somehow the way of things. I am sure that we made many mistakes but I know enough to recognise goodness and it was here in abundance.

We do not have context for rituals such as this, our rites of initiation are secular and societal. This was something more, more simple, more honest, more challenging. We did our best and I think that was enough. The satisfaction and achievement in the young man’s face was wonderful to behold.

I do not know if he moved from being boy to man during these few hours, I do not know how it will impact him in his life to come only time and his deep heart will know that. I do know that what we did together on Miki’s initiative was a gift for his son, those who love him and for me. The willingness to push up against the uncertainty and not knowing of the how to hold this transition was a part of the gift. The way knows the way, we need only take a few steps. The idea, the shaping and the persistence to create this ritual for his son was a gift from his father. A gift that will continue to give perhaps throughout his son’s life. I was honoured to be a part of it.