Work comittments easily take precedence over family-time. Not without conflict though. Someone in the family will eventually feel left out, or ignored, or excluded. If communication is unclear, there might be anger or withdrawal. Or, god forbid, the leaden cloak of supressed anger. Let’s bring our family-time back to the center of our lives. Here’s […]
Miki’s Blog
We can’t fix childhood
There’s no solution to childhood. Though you’d think there would be, as so much of childhood is seen as a problem to be fixed. My kid is too angry, doesn’t sleep, can’t sit still, doesn’t talk, talks too much, says the wrong thing, is shy, is too loud, never listens, doesn’t play, plays all the […]
Freedom to play
A child expresses her love for life through play. It’s natural. We are born with the gifts for spontaneity, fluidity, improvisation, acceptance, creativity, presence and a delight for learning. Given the slightest chance, children will form roving groups of peers that romp outdoors, far from the supervision of adults. A child who loses this freedom, […]
Inherited wisdom
Trauma is passed through our genes from one generation to the next. And so too is our wisdom. I first heard that from Kazu Haga of the East Point Peace Academy. Haga also says, “By maintaining a relationship with our ancestral wisdom, we can build a truly peaceful world for future generations.” What inherited wisdom […]
Step one to breaking out of isolation. And step two.
When we first become parents we’re shocked at how isolated we feel. The first years without ample support of an extended family are overwhelming. There’s no shame in that. It’s really not about you or me. Almost everyone who is a parent knows that place of loneliness and anxiety. In the culture we’ve created, we […]
Be your child’s compass in times of transitions
The world is new to a child, so many things encountered and sensed for the first time, so many transitions from comfort into the unknown. Being born from the coziness of the womb into the harsh light of day. The slow descent of the sun and the onset of the dark night and dreamland of […]
Teaching family values by teasing a child
The San Bushmen, our oldest ancestors, value equality and generosity. When a young hunter returns to the village with prey, he might be proud of his skills and magnaminity. He should know better. The elders immediately tease him. They laugh at the size of his catch. And they poke loving fun until they’ve mellowed his […]
Too much support for the sapling topples the tree
A newly planted sapling needs stakes to support it against strong winds. If you leave the stakes in too long, though, the tree suffers. It grows taller, but its roots don’t spread. When the stakes are removed, the tree is thin and weak, and breaks or falls in the first storm. Too many stakes prevent […]
How the stories you tell can strengthen your child
Sharing your family stories helps your child develop a strong sense of who she is and where she comes from. Drs. Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush at Emory University found that the more children know about their family history, the better they are at facing challenges. By exploring the adventures of your ancestry, you’re sharing […]
Apologize before putting your child to bed
When the day comes to an end, you may have things that are left unsaid. You may have raised your voice and sent a slight judder through your child’s body, a tremble of fear. You may have been impatient and interrupted your child when she was immersed in play. You may have been too busy […]
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
To remain standing on a paddle board you have to rock, move, roll. Stability requires a constant movement. Our partnership needs this movement too–arguments, disagreements, differences, misunderstandings–for there to be stability and continuous growth. Otherwise we inevitably sink into boredom, stuckness, stasis. Read comments or comment here
Are you parenting someone else’s child?
Your hands and heart may already be full parenting your child. You may not have the wherewithall to even contemplate other children. But that’s what I’m asking you to do, if you’re willing to consider it. If like so many of us you yearn for a village, you must take the first step in creating […]
Pulled apart, longing to be together
All we ever want is to be together as a family, to laugh, play, and enjoy our lives as a little team. But there is so much in the modern world that pulls us in different directions–work, money, geography, school, health, digital technology, media. How do we as parents respond? Lower the bar–start small, take […]
Making room for anger
Our home needs to house our entire child, every part of her, even her anger. Her screams, tantrums, rages need a large room of their own. We create space for this out of our own familiarity with distress. We teach her where to find peace again, by knowing how to find our own peace. One […]
Ask your child for help to find the time to parent
I was supporting a father the other week, and after an intense, surprising and creative session with some out-of-the-box prescriptions for change, he paused and in a slow voice he said, “I just need to find the time for this.” I immediately asked: “Where will you look?” He paused a long time before conceding that […]
Sometimes your child needs you to be quiet
We’re taught to communicate through words: to speak our minds, to articulate, enounce, voice our feelings. But no matter how good our intentions, all those words can be overwhelming and confusing. Sometimes our child needs us to be quiet. If she’s afraid, in pain, angry, she’s not open to verbosity. She can’t even hear a […]
When praise blocks your child’s joy
Your child cleans her room, plays a beautiful tune on the saxophone, draws an apple tree by a lake. And you praise her for what she’s accomplished, sharing your excitement, gratitude, amazement, pride. Your intention comes from a loving place, but it may land differently than you expect on your child’s ears. She may hear […]
A child’s identity is forged in community
There’s this cartoon from the New Yorker I saw a long time ago. A man at a cocktail party is kneeling in the corner of the living room. Someone asks, What’s Larry doing? And the response, He’s trying to find himself. I laugh at that one every time, out of recognition surely. Spending our adult […]
Am I a good enough parent?
Many of us parents know the gnawing feeling of not being good enough. Am I right to tell my six-year old child to clean his room? Will my habitual impatience cause her lasting pain? Do I erode her trust by making too many promises I don’t keep? Parenthood teeters between right and wrong. It’s a […]
Nothing is good for a child’s growth
Every child needs a healthy dose of nothing to do. Nothing germinates their imagination, cultivates their delight, develops their relationship to self. Nothing gifts them with the discovery that their selves hold an infinity of world’s within worlds. Nothing teaches them something about life that nothing else can do. Too much to do, too many […]