Miki Dedijer

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An invitation to lighten up

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Children are full of spirit, passion, life force, vitality. It overflows.

The world is new! The body amazing. Puddles are endless fun. Strawberries! The fur of a cat. Hard edge of a rock. (Ouch!) Tears. Up. Look. Sunlight through a fall leaf. The ocean waves.

Your child can point you to where you’ve grown stiff from age, routine, habit or lethargy. She reminds you of where your lust for life has atrophied. She shows you when you try to fit the universe in a square box, its sides made from logic, rationality, science and certainty.

Here’s her invitation: mom, dad, loosen up, get limber, lighten up. Do something ludicrous and lustful. Let go. Let’s play.

Be a hero and heed her call. Throw away your watch, and watch what you throw away. Let the dust rats run past you and hide behind the open door.

Step out of line, ditch a deadline, get offline, and join your child in a riotous tumble with the divine.

Music tunes your child’s spirit

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In our fragmented and commercialized culture, it can be hard to know how to nurture your child’s relationship to spirit.

You may not know yourself what it means for you to be a spiritual being, someone at home with all that is unknown, unseen, or beyond your understanding.

You may not have an intact practice that feels grounded in your being.

Or if you’re fortunate enough to have a deep, consistent and rewarding relationship with spirit, you may not know how to convey this to your child.

Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum, you can always rely on music to nurture your relationship to spirit.

Not any old song will do, not any kind of music is helpful. It must be something that lifts you, that touches you, that moves you. A surprising rhythm. A sweet melody. A profound baseline. A familiar verse that comes to you when everything feels hopeless.

Fill your home with music. Start the day with a funky rhythm. Offer your child a daily dose of Bach or bluegrass, country or congas, funk or fado.

Immersed in music, she will attune to a language older than words, a powerful balm for healing disconnections.

Every child was born two times

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There’s an old wisdom that says when a child is born, he arrives from the spirit-world knowing everything.

But he soon forgets.

The parents’ role was to help the child remember these original teachings. Every child needed to know these codes to lead a good life, respecting all his relatives and being of service to community and creation.

This ancient understanding lies embedded in the word ‘parent’. It’s old root means ‘ancestors’, or ‘to give birth to’.

The understanding was that a child was born twice. Once from from the ancestors into this world. And a second time through the guidance of his parents and elders.

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Discipline asks that you’re clear on what you value

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Discipline is teaching, and teaching works best when there’s a relationship of trust with your child.

We build trustful relationships over time. It requires consistency and clarity and good role modelling.

If like many parents you’re unsure how to discipline your child, start by getting clear on what your core values are.

Your values are who you are right now, not in an imaginary future. To understand the values you’re teaching your child, have a look at your day-to-day behavior. These questions from the late pioneer of family therapy Virginia Satir are a good start:

  • What do I teach my child about herself or himself?
  • What do I teach about others?
  • What do I teach about the world?
  • What do I teach about life and its source, about God, mystery, the unseen?

Take an evening with your partner to explore these questions and find some common ground. Then see how you can find a way to consistently model and communicate your shared values.

As you do, your family culture becomes a teaching environment for your child. Here discipline–teaching your child how to build and sustain healthy relationships–becomes a daily practice of shared growth, rather than strenous and random efforts to control your child.

Flow with your child’s impulse

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It’s so easy to miss.

Your child says ‘Hey, let’s go check out the tadpoles’, and for some reason, known or unknown, you say no, sweetie, not now.

And the moment passes, maybe for the summer.

You have good reasons for not always indulging your child–chores, time, priorities, limits, plans, desires.

But there are times when you need to heed your child’s impulse as a sacred yearning that is calling for your validation and connection.

This impulse charges your childs’ body like electricity. His body ripples with joyful, excited energy.

When you meet him there, and allow yourself to be moved by his vibration, you join in his adventure. If you do, you likely rediscover a side of yourself that has lain dormant for a long time, maybe years.