When the sun comes out again in Spring, we notice how much there is that needs a good cleaning, stuff we’ve tucked away during the dark months of winter. Psychological garbage we’ve forgotten to take out. Guck that clutters our senses. Lead weights that sink our hearts. Unmet expectations and stale resentments with a sharp […]
relationship
Beauty as gratitude
Beauty is made before it’s perceived. It’s decorating the dinner table with a crown of fall leaves. Singing by a fire. Hand painting a dead tree. Speaking a kind word to a stranger, Carving little jewels from elderflower branches. Gathering moss in the shape of a mandala. Dancing to the beat of a brooding storm. […]
Your secret lover
Your partner doesn’t know your secret lover called Plan B. Plan B is softer, more loving, doesn’t smell of onions. It has nicer parents, better health, and always agrees with the values you want to share with your child. Plan B doesn’t age. It is the other life you dream of when this one seems […]
Connect before you direct
Coming out of our house, I see my youngest son peeing all over our new patio. I’m incredulous, and tell him to get a bucket and wash the stones. Later I ask how come he peed there. And here’s what he tells me–he was competing with his brother to see who could pee the farthest […]
Music tunes your child’s spirit
In our fragmented and commercialized culture, it can be hard to know how to nurture your child’s relationship to spirit. You may not know yourself what it means for you to be a spiritual being, someone at home with all that is unknown, unseen, or beyond your understanding. You may not have an intact practice […]
Short-cut to an embrace
It’s hard to embrace your screaming child. Often because your child isn’t receptive when he’s enraged. Or maybe because you don’t feel very loving. That’s a hard place for a parent, knowing that right now you don’t feel affection. All you want is to match your kids anger with some of your own. Arguing doesn’t […]
Shoes, treasures and the true meaning of discipline
Your child isn’t listening to you. You can’t make her do as you tell her. And that can be wildly frustrating. There’s a choice here–do you enforce or do you yield? Enforcing is more of the same–power over, authoritarian parenting, hierarchies, right and wrong. But yielding, isn’t that giving up? Not if you take a […]
The cost of privacy is the loss of intimacy
Privacy always comes at a cost. Privacy is keeping everything to ourselves. Drawing the curtains and hiding our struggles and bewilderment to the world. Most of us keep parts of ourselves private even to ourselves–plunging them deep into our subconscious. Maybe we keep our feelings and thoughts private from our child. We might keep other […]
We can’t fix childhood
There’s no solution to childhood. Though you’d think there would be, as so much of childhood is seen as a problem to be fixed. My kid is too angry, doesn’t sleep, can’t sit still, doesn’t talk, talks too much, says the wrong thing, is shy, is too loud, never listens, doesn’t play, plays all the […]
Apologize before putting your child to bed
When the day comes to an end, you may have things that are left unsaid. You may have raised your voice and sent a slight judder through your child’s body, a tremble of fear. You may have been impatient and interrupted your child when she was immersed in play. You may have been too busy […]
Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over
To remain standing on a paddle board you have to rock, move, roll. Stability requires a constant movement. Our partnership needs this movement too–arguments, disagreements, differences, misunderstandings–for there to be stability and continuous growth. Otherwise we inevitably sink into boredom, stuckness, stasis. Read comments or comment here
Every family needs a gardener
Every family is an ecosystem to itself, a vegetable bed set in a larger landscape of great mosaic beauty. This fertile soil in which our children grow is a complex, wondrous, wobbling weave of ancestry, biology, spirit, life stages, genders, roles, grief and losses, professions, passions, dreams, possibilities. It is so vast even in its […]
The parental paradox of discipline
We all want to know how to discipline our child. Sometimes this is another way of controlling our child. But discipline at heart means to teach. Our child is our disciple, a follower. To really know something, teach it. Our child is our teacher. How we teach determines what we learn. In other words, when […]