Miki Dedijer

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The spell of potential

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There are a few spells around, beliefs that are so common we hardly notice their insidious impact on how we lead our lives.

Like when we tell a child “You can be anything you want to be”, without us actually having any way to know what that child’s potential truly is.

Potential has no definite shape, nor a given end. It’s amorphous and limitless.

Under the spell of potential a child will always fall short, growing accustomed to never being all that she has been told she can be. She loses sight of her true value, and her natural capacity for belonging slowly withers.

You, I and our children cannot be anything we want to be. That’s good news.

Because once we recognize the spell for what it is–another expression of a culture that has fallen ill from all kinds of abstraction and excess–we can begin to accept who we actually are.

Most of us are quite ordinary, we suffer and we struggle, we are gifted in ways that bring us joy and some kind of income to help meet our needs, and if we’re fortunate, we have a place where we know the land and the people in it well enough to feel at home.

If we can accept the confines of our selves, we can more readily value our child for who he or she actually is. Then the child’s gifts, such as they are, become surprising treasures, tended through discipline, and complementing the gifts of others.

Pulled apart, longing to be together

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All we ever want is to be together as a family, to laugh, play, and enjoy our lives as a little team.

But there is so much in the modern world that pulls us in different directions–work, money, geography, school, health, digital technology, media.

How do we as parents respond?

Lower the bar–start small, take your time, and build on what works (to borrow from permaculture).

Be like a slug–slow and steady wins the race.

Gather a few hours on a Sunday afternoon, perhaps with no plan other than to be together. Experiment. See what works. Follow your gut.

Make sure everyone’s voice is heard and listened to. Create something new together. Honor the unexpected, make room for surprises.

Head into the woods for breakfast, with a picknick basket full of treats. Follow your funny-bone. Let joy and playfulness guide you.

How was that? What would you like to do next time?

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When praise blocks your child’s joy

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Your child cleans her room, plays a beautiful tune on the saxophone, draws an apple tree by a lake.

And you praise her for what she’s accomplished, sharing your excitement, gratitude, amazement, pride.

Your intention comes from a loving place, but it may land differently than you expect on your child’s ears.

She may hear your praise as approval, rather than love.

And gradually her ear will become attuned to your praise. She will begin to listen for what is good and elicits your comforting nod. And she’ll soon notice what goes without your acknowledgement.

This is the black magic of praise–it’s conditional and often relates to performance. Your child learns to seek your praise. She will gradually trade her innate joy and creativity for the safety of your approval.

Instead of praising the results, honor her growth by noticing her efforts.

If she fries an egg on her own, you might honor the patience she’s needed to learn this new skill. Speak of the strength she’s developed to lift the weight of the skillet. Remind her how she has learned to turn on just the right amount of heat. Imagine the care she has taken in cracking the egg and laugh together about all the botched attempts of the past.

When you honor her efforts, rather than praise the results, you’re helping your child understand her own resourcefullness.

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Imagination and the art of parenting

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Our imagination is vital to our ability to parent joyfully.

Imagination dies when our lives become routine.

It withers when we too often choose comfort over change.

It goes undergound when we become trapped in family roles.

It goes stale when we set our up lives to avoid surprises, spontaneity and the unforeseen.

It freezes when we go numb rather than embrace our lives wholeheartedly.

When our imagination is alive, we change seats at the dinner table because the view has gotten tedious. We transform a chore into a shared delight. We convert a missed train connection into an epic family adventure.

Imagination is our ability to sculpt, paint, envision or embellish the promise of a moment. It allows us to turn the ordinary, into an artful expression of life.

The richest inheritance you can give

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It’s not wealth, property or an expensive education.

The richest inheritance we can offer our child is our joy. It flows from us when we learn to love ourselves and others.

It’s our laughter. Our delight. Our curiosity. Our awe. Our gratitude. Our acceptance. Our passion. Our playfulness. Our vitality.

It’s the gift of our own life well lived.

“If we have happy parents, we have received the richest inheritance of all,” writes Thich Nhat Hanh, in How to Love.

Being this joyful parent is a daily practice. It helps us repair and maintain the relationships we need to live well, to love fully, to let in and let go, and to rejoice again and again.

Flow with your child’s impulse

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It’s so easy to miss.

Your child says ‘Hey, let’s go check out the tadpoles’, and for some reason, known or unknown, you say no, sweetie, not now.

And the moment passes, maybe for the summer.

You have good reasons for not always indulging your child–chores, time, priorities, limits, plans, desires.

But there are times when you need to heed your child’s impulse as a sacred yearning that is calling for your validation and connection.

This impulse charges your childs’ body like electricity. His body ripples with joyful, excited energy.

When you meet him there, and allow yourself to be moved by his vibration, you join in his adventure. If you do, you likely rediscover a side of yourself that has lain dormant for a long time, maybe years.