Miki Dedijer

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Breathing through a feeling

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Feelings are fleeting.

Anger can be over in a flash. Sadness can settle and seem endless.

But it’s in the nature of all feelings that they pass. And they pass faster if we don’t do violence to ourselves by supressing or fighting our feelings.

Your child can learn how not to be overwhelmed by her feelings. With your guidance, she can come to befriend fear, shame or any other feeling, by being gently attentive and patient.

If your child is anxious, softly hold her hand, and let her know that you will breathe together. Place a hand on your bellies, and feel them rise as you inhale, and fall as you breathe out.

Concentrate on that movement for a while, until your thoughts begin to fade.

At the right time, perhaps you can speak a few words recognizing the painful feeling, and as you continue to breathe, see if you both sense the tension release.

When our child and us parents ignore or supress painful feelings, we suffer more and longer. Instead, find a way to breathe through them together.

Touch your child’s heart to feel her fear

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Fear isn’t always visible on our children’s faces, even when their bodies are in turmoil.

When my son was around four, we left the farm to visit the city for the day. We sat by a market square with an ice cream each, when a red-faced, drunken man walked up to us yelling and gesticulating.

He soon walked away, and I looked at my son, who sat very still. My hand was on his chest, and I could feel his heart pounding.

He was in fear of his life, but there wasn’t much showing.

I learned something that day.

Now, whenever I wonder if he’s afraid, I place my hand gently on his heart. It helps me know him better.

Am I a good enough parent?

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Many of us parents know the gnawing feeling of not being good enough.

Am I right to tell my six-year old child to clean his room? Will my habitual impatience cause her lasting pain? Do I erode her trust by making too many promises I don’t keep?

Parenthood teeters between right and wrong. It’s a process of becoming, not only for our children, but for us too.

On the best of days, it’s a continuous immersion in the unknown. Like any creative process, it can be a scary place to live.

When we fall short, all we have is our ability to forgive, our willingness to let go, our desire to apologize, and the resolve to try something different.

That has to be good enough.

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Flood the troubled child with love

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Any child gets troublesome when there’s a tear in their most cherished relationships.

She may be passive aggresive, anxious, manipulative, or fight with her sibling.

There may be nothing you can say to resolve her pain. But there may be something powerful you can do.

Flood your child with love.

When all else fails, take a time out. Announce that the two of you will spend an whole hour together, a full evening, an entire day together.

Let your child take the lead (and you decide on possible boundaries on money, safety, time). Then head out. And for the time you’re together, ditch your phone, scrap your plans, make a committment to be all in, playfully present.
Delight in your child, love her, pay attention, be curious, mend the broken bonds.

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When your child pushes you away bring her close

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A child that screams at you may be scared and yelling out for help.

Shout back, and your child will feel the sting of rejection. Her trust for you will take a hit. Your relationship will be marred.

Feel her fear instead, let it wash through your body. See her eyes and notice the tension in her body. You’ll know that what she needs from you now is to be met with gentleness.

It may be just what you need too.

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