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family

The strain on consumer families

July 18, 2019 By Miki Dedijer

The strains of sustaining the central family fire in a consumer family are more often signs of these trying times than our inadequacies or inexperience as parents. Until a century ago, and in many places far more recently, the family depended for its health on continuous exchanges with extended family, neighbors and a local community. […]

Becoming a family servant

July 28, 2018 By Miki Dedijer

In a few days, a dozen or so men are gathering at our farm around a man about to become a father. So I’ve spent some time pondering what this moment asks of us, now that his life seems to be taking him away from a certain singularity awash in endless possibilities, towards an obligation […]

Spring cleaning

May 14, 2018 By Miki Dedijer

When the sun comes out again in Spring, we notice how much there is that needs a good cleaning, stuff we’ve tucked away during the dark months of winter. Psychological garbage we’ve forgotten to take out. Guck that clutters our senses. Lead weights that sink our hearts. Unmet expectations and stale resentments with a sharp […]

Your secret lover

February 13, 2018 By Miki Dedijer

Your partner doesn’t know your secret lover called Plan B. Plan B is softer, more loving, doesn’t smell of onions. It has nicer parents, better health, and always agrees with the values you want to share with your child. Plan B doesn’t age. It is the other life you dream of when this one seems […]

Playlist of your ancestors

February 2, 2018 By Miki Dedijer

Music is a bridge to our ancestors You can wander on the arch of a tune towards the loved one’s you’ve lost. For me it’s Marian Anderson’s “Coming through the rye,” a song my father would theatrically sing to us as children. Or my grandfather’s songs that he learned in Sweden’s endless spruce forests, during […]

Attachment beyond mom and dad

January 14, 2018 By Miki Dedijer

Attachment theory places a child’s sense of belonging at the breast of the mother, or in the lap of the father. But we’re all born with a need for attachment to a home that is far vaster than the nuclear family. Imagine instead an attachment theory that knows the pain of being uprooted and adrift, […]

Tending a good fire under any condition

January 1, 2018 By Miki Dedijer

We all have a fire to tend. It burns inside of us. A good fire is welcoming. It draws people in to hear your stories, or enjoy the comfort of your good company. Sometimes your fire burns too strong. On days like that, your family doesn’t know whether to approach you at all. You’re giving […]

Your child’s gift holds the family together

December 20, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

What sets every family member apart is what holds the family together. This is an old ancestral understanding. The strength of our relationships grows from our willingness to honor, celebrate and cultivate our differences. Every child has a unique gift, talent, passion that complements the gifts of others. These are the variegated threads of a […]

One-liners: parenting in a single sentence

December 18, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

“It’s only a mistake if you don’t learn from it.” My son spoke this sentence today. We were stuck with the car in an icy ditch. Foolishly, I had tried to reverse uphill on a crust of compacted snow and rain. There was a lot for me to learn here (and model too!). He’s heard […]

How to plant your child in community

November 29, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

I’ve heard from many parents who dream of planting their children in community. Like them, maybe you too have raised your head and looked around and seen nothing but fragments of a village, shards of a tribe, threads of an ancestral tapestry. You think at times of moving your family to where community seems more […]

Turn your family into a rebellious island of sanity

November 17, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

Start the revolution by making your family home a rebellious island of sanity and insane possibility. Create a home that’s your getaway, a place so good, so relaxing, so full of life that you have no desire to fly off to another distant promised land on a holy-day at an all-inclusive coddling factory. Tend the […]

Withhold or flow

November 15, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

Family energy stops flowing when you withhold your inner life. You might want to hide your endless worry from your overworked wife. You’re secretly fuming that your husband has left his underwear on the floor again. Or you hesitate to show your joy on a day that your partner is in pain. When you withhold, […]

R.I.P. love

November 14, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

Drama doesn’t fan passions, it kills love. When every joint decision becomes a battle, you all lose. Bills, vacations, renovations, investments, bedtimes, discipline, meals. It gets too exhausting to put on the armor every time you have to reach an agreement. Sooner or later, one of you surrenders, and the other claims victory. And the […]

Planning family-time before anything else

November 9, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

Work comittments easily take precedence over family-time. Not without conflict though. Someone in the family will eventually feel left out, or ignored, or excluded. If communication is unclear, there might be anger or withdrawal. Or, god forbid, the leaden cloak of supressed anger. Let’s bring our family-time back to the center of our lives. Here’s […]

How the stories you tell can strengthen your child

November 1, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

Sharing your family stories helps your child develop a strong sense of who she is and where she comes from. Drs. Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush at Emory University found that the more children know about their family history, the better they are at facing challenges. By exploring the adventures of your ancestry, you’re sharing […]

Are you parenting someone else’s child?

October 28, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

Your hands and heart may already be full parenting your child. You may not have the wherewithall to even contemplate other children. But that’s what I’m asking you to do, if you’re willing to consider it. If like so many of us you yearn for a village, you must take the first step in creating […]

Pulled apart, longing to be together

October 27, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

All we ever want is to be together as a family, to laugh, play, and enjoy our lives as a little team. But there is so much in the modern world that pulls us in different directions–work, money, geography, school, health, digital technology, media. How do we as parents respond? Lower the bar–start small, take […]

Ask your child for help to find the time to parent

October 25, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

I was supporting a father the other week, and after an intense, surprising and creative session with some out-of-the-box prescriptions for change, he paused and in a slow voice he said, “I just need to find the time for this.” I immediately asked: “Where will you look?” He paused a long time before conceding that […]

Want your child to care? Cultivate your empathy.

October 11, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

A mentor of mine once told me we don’t learn how to be more loving or empathetic. We’re naturally loving from birth. The difference is small but significant. We don’t have to strive to feel more or improve ourselves. This perspective is a cultural illness. It affects us when we internalize the industrial ideals of […]

Rules govern every family, even when they’re unspoken

October 9, 2017 By Miki Dedijer

Our family rules guide our conduct, how we are with one another. They’re a vital influence on family health. The rules we live by are often unspoken, unwritten or assumed, which causes a lot of needless grief and strife and confusion. We may feel that our child is unruly. Or our partner! Yet when it […]

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