In a few days, a dozen or so men are gathering at our farm around a man about to become a father. So I’ve spent some time pondering what this moment asks of us, now that his life seems to be taking him away from a certain singularity awash in endless possibilities, towards an obligation […]
family
Spring cleaning
When the sun comes out again in Spring, we notice how much there is that needs a good cleaning, stuff we’ve tucked away during the dark months of winter. Psychological garbage we’ve forgotten to take out. Guck that clutters our senses. Lead weights that sink our hearts. Unmet expectations and stale resentments with a sharp […]
Your secret lover
Your partner doesn’t know your secret lover called Plan B. Plan B is softer, more loving, doesn’t smell of onions. It has nicer parents, better health, and always agrees with the values you want to share with your child. Plan B doesn’t age. It is the other life you dream of when this one seems […]
Playlist of your ancestors
Music is a bridge to our ancestors You can wander on the arch of a tune towards the loved one’s you’ve lost. For me it’s Marian Anderson’s “Coming through the rye,” a song my father would theatrically sing to us as children. Or my grandfather’s songs that he learned in Sweden’s endless spruce forests, during […]
Attachment beyond mom and dad
Attachment theory places a child’s sense of belonging at the breast of the mother, or in the lap of the father. But we’re all born with a need for attachment to a home that is far vaster than the nuclear family. Imagine instead an attachment theory that knows the pain of being uprooted and adrift, […]
Tending a good fire under any condition
We all have a fire to tend. It burns inside of us. A good fire is welcoming. It draws people in to hear your stories, or enjoy the comfort of your good company. Sometimes your fire burns too strong. On days like that, your family doesn’t know whether to approach you at all. You’re giving […]
Your child’s gift holds the family together
What sets every family member apart is what holds the family together. This is an old ancestral understanding. The strength of our relationships grows from our willingness to honor, celebrate and cultivate our differences. Every child has a unique gift, talent, passion that complements the gifts of others. These are the variegated threads of a […]
One-liners: parenting in a single sentence
“It’s only a mistake if you don’t learn from it.” My son spoke this sentence today. We were stuck with the car in an icy ditch. Foolishly, I had tried to reverse uphill on a crust of compacted snow and rain. There was a lot for me to learn here (and model too!). He’s heard […]
How to plant your child in community
I’ve heard from many parents who dream of planting their children in community. Like them, maybe you too have raised your head and looked around and seen nothing but fragments of a village, shards of a tribe, threads of an ancestral tapestry. You think at times of moving your family to where community seems more […]
Turn your family into a rebellious island of sanity
Start the revolution by making your family home a rebellious island of sanity and insane possibility. Create a home that’s your getaway, a place so good, so relaxing, so full of life that you have no desire to fly off to another distant promised land on a holy-day at an all-inclusive coddling factory. Tend the […]
Withhold or flow
Family energy stops flowing when you withhold your inner life. You might want to hide your endless worry from your overworked wife. You’re secretly fuming that your husband has left his underwear on the floor again. Or you hesitate to show your joy on a day that your partner is in pain. When you withhold, […]
R.I.P. love
Drama doesn’t fan passions, it kills love. When every joint decision becomes a battle, you all lose. Bills, vacations, renovations, investments, bedtimes, discipline, meals. It gets too exhausting to put on the armor every time you have to reach an agreement. Sooner or later, one of you surrenders, and the other claims victory. And the […]
Planning family-time before anything else
Work comittments easily take precedence over family-time. Not without conflict though. Someone in the family will eventually feel left out, or ignored, or excluded. If communication is unclear, there might be anger or withdrawal. Or, god forbid, the leaden cloak of supressed anger. Let’s bring our family-time back to the center of our lives. Here’s […]
How the stories you tell can strengthen your child
Sharing your family stories helps your child develop a strong sense of who she is and where she comes from. Drs. Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush at Emory University found that the more children know about their family history, the better they are at facing challenges. By exploring the adventures of your ancestry, you’re sharing […]
Are you parenting someone else’s child?
Your hands and heart may already be full parenting your child. You may not have the wherewithall to even contemplate other children. But that’s what I’m asking you to do, if you’re willing to consider it. If like so many of us you yearn for a village, you must take the first step in creating […]
Pulled apart, longing to be together
All we ever want is to be together as a family, to laugh, play, and enjoy our lives as a little team. But there is so much in the modern world that pulls us in different directions–work, money, geography, school, health, digital technology, media. How do we as parents respond? Lower the bar–start small, take […]
Ask your child for help to find the time to parent
I was supporting a father the other week, and after an intense, surprising and creative session with some out-of-the-box prescriptions for change, he paused and in a slow voice he said, “I just need to find the time for this.” I immediately asked: “Where will you look?” He paused a long time before conceding that […]
Want your child to care? Cultivate your empathy.
A mentor of mine once told me we don’t learn how to be more loving or empathetic. We’re naturally loving from birth. The difference is small but significant. We don’t have to strive to feel more or improve ourselves. This perspective is a cultural illness. It affects us when we internalize the industrial ideals of […]
Rules govern every family, even when they’re unspoken
Our family rules guide our conduct, how we are with one another. They’re a vital influence on family health. The rules we live by are often unspoken, unwritten or assumed, which causes a lot of needless grief and strife and confusion. We may feel that our child is unruly. Or our partner! Yet when it […]
Change the rhythm to get the fruit
It’s time to make cider on our farm. I climb the apple trees, and shake the branches to tumble the fruit for harvest. But they don’t fall from an even rhythm. It’s the changes in rhythm that breaks the stem and drops the apple. Sometimes we get into routines and ruts in our families when […]
Autumn and every family in transition
The equinox just past, and every family is in transition, whether in cities or countryside, apartments or houses. It’s on the winds, in the rains, under our feet and in the canopies. And it’s in our children too. They’re called indoors, to fires and candles and stories and games and comforting blankets. Like seeds, they’re […]
Imagination and the art of parenting
Our imagination is vital to our ability to parent joyfully. Imagination dies when our lives become routine. It withers when we too often choose comfort over change. It goes undergound when we become trapped in family roles. It goes stale when we set our up lives to avoid surprises, spontaneity and the unforeseen. It freezes […]
Choosing to step into a larger world
Sometimes our world shrinks in an instant. A relative says something disparaging about how we parent. Our partner turns to another screen while we’re sharing our heart. Our child shatters a glass of blueberry juice on our new woolen carpet. Our bellies tighten, our chests constrict, our minds whirr with the incessant voices of trickster […]
Every family needs a gardener
Every family is an ecosystem to itself, a vegetable bed set in a larger landscape of great mosaic beauty. This fertile soil in which our children grow is a complex, wondrous, wobbling weave of ancestry, biology, spirit, life stages, genders, roles, grief and losses, professions, passions, dreams, possibilities. It is so vast even in its […]
Finding a groove for family chores
Family chores are sometimes a drag, but they don’t have to be. We often handle our daily dose of necessary tasks in a haphazard and often inefficient way. Yet somehow we get it most of it done–washing clothes, dishes, sweeping, paying bills, shopping, walking the dog, repairing, cooking, recycling. Chances are though that someone is […]