Miki Dedijer

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Movement

Seeing the north star

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It’s March, and for a few months longer on the northern hemisphere, until dimmed by the long summer days, the stars will strew the night sky.

This is a good time of year to head out with your child after nightfall, to introduce her to the North Star, this fixed axis point on the firmament around which all else moves.

There’s something magical, perhaps reassuring, in knowing there’s a single star that holds steady, despite all else that’s in never-ending movement, commotion, flux. It helps orient us to life, and to time (the old one’s knew to tell time by the position of the Little Dipper on the night sky).

So as you watch the North Star among the constellations, consider this: What are some fixed values in your family that guide you through the dark times, help you navigate the challenges? What is a constant in your child’s otherwise changing life?

Ask the star if you’re unsure. Pay attention and wait for the response. It may reveal some treasured insights. And your child may surprise you too.


Music tunes your child’s spirit

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In our fragmented and commercialized culture, it can be hard to know how to nurture your child’s relationship to spirit.

You may not know yourself what it means for you to be a spiritual being, someone at home with all that is unknown, unseen, or beyond your understanding.

You may not have an intact practice that feels grounded in your being.

Or if you’re fortunate enough to have a deep, consistent and rewarding relationship with spirit, you may not know how to convey this to your child.

Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum, you can always rely on music to nurture your relationship to spirit.

Not any old song will do, not any kind of music is helpful. It must be something that lifts you, that touches you, that moves you. A surprising rhythm. A sweet melody. A profound baseline. A familiar verse that comes to you when everything feels hopeless.

Fill your home with music. Start the day with a funky rhythm. Offer your child a daily dose of Bach or bluegrass, country or congas, funk or fado.

Immersed in music, she will attune to a language older than words, a powerful balm for healing disconnections.

Let your child teach you how to move

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Why did I tell my youngest boy to sit still at dinner?

What possible reason would make sense here?

“You can hurt yourself if you fall backwards.”

“Your body needs to be calm while eating.”

“You’re distracting others from their food.”

Yes, sure, possibly, perhaps, maybe. More likely it’s because as a child I myself was told to sit still. Even as an adult, when I am troubled, I am told to sit still.

“Meditate.”

“Go for a quiet walk.”

“Lie in savasana.”

“Float in a tank.”

We have so many ways of seeing movement as an affliction, and prescribing stillness as the cure. And those of our children who won’t, we reprimand, command or even medicate.

But what if slow, rapid, wild, sudden, spontaneous, erratic, unpredictable movement is the body’s god-given way to restore health?

Like many adults, I’ve been still for so long, I am troubled at times by my children’s facility for moving whenever they want to and however they like.

“Watch out you don’t break anything!” “Don’t fidget!”

We can label it natural, ebullient, nervous, stressed, manipulative, disturbing, wholesome, troubling, worrysome or symptomatic. But the fact that we notice it at all says more about our culture than it does about our child.

Movement is natural, however it manifests and whatever the emotion or imagined condition that drives it. A lot of us adults have forgotten that. And we pay dearly to relearn.

Somatic therapy. Tension stress and trauma release (TRE). Ecstatic dance. Five rhythms. These and other treats, retreats and treatments all aim to release movements or create a forum for movements that have become stuck in our bodies making us ill from a lifetime overdose of sitting still.

The next time my boy is moving, I’ll be more cautious in questioning the natural wisdom of his body, and allow it instead to remind me of the wisdom of my own body.

I’ll vibrate my leg nervously at the dinner table, playfully lean back in my chair, shake my booty on the bus, and take every opportunity that arises to remember to allow myself to move as the movement arises.

And if your child one day should say “Mom! Dad! Move!” Would you?

Withhold or flow

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Family energy stops flowing when you withhold your inner life.

You might want to hide your endless worry from your overworked wife. You’re secretly fuming that your husband has left his underwear on the floor again. Or you hesitate to show your joy on a day that your partner is in pain.

When you withhold, you put your whole family on hold. Even if you don’t share what what’s going on inside of you, your energy is in the room.

It’s confusing, not least to your child. They sense these things like a scented breeze, a vibration, an unease. When you suppress your inner life, your body says one thing and you say another. A child can’t make sense of it. Or your partner.

Freedom to play

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A child expresses her love for life through play.

It’s natural.  We are born with the gifts for spontaneity, fluidity, improvisation, acceptance, creativity, presence and a delight for learning.

Given the slightest chance, children will form roving groups of peers that romp outdoors, far from the supervision of adults.

A child who loses this freedom, soon loses her love for life too. By her early tweens, the play-deprived child becomes anxious, depressed, stressed, violent or withdrawn.

The single most powerful thing we can do as parents might be to get out of the way, so our children get every chance they can to play together.

Rock the boat, don’t tip the boat over

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To remain standing on a paddle board you have to rock, move, roll.

Stability requires a constant movement.

Our partnership needs this movement too–arguments, disagreements, differences, misunderstandings–for there to be stability and continuous growth.

Otherwise we inevitably sink into boredom, stuckness, stasis.

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